Monthly Archives: January 2013

How Bad Do You Want It?


You may remember my post from last September, Carried Away. Writing that post was cathartic for me and allowed me to begin talking openly about the trauma and loss I had experienced. It also began a more intimate look at how I was living and loving my life. Writing that post brought awareness which helped me to get further along on my process of grief. But, months later, I was still afraid. Afraid of trying for another baby, afraid of getting pregnant and having complications, afraid I was ‘ruined’. Simply. AFRAID. I didn’t share this fear with anyone. I kept quiet. Hoping that no one would ask if we were going to ‘try’ again. Hoping that my husband could read my mind and he would just continue to give me space. Then, in Nov at a routine OB/GYN appointment my doctor asked if we were going to try again. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I explained as best I could why we weren’t trying again. She let me finish and then in a rare moment of woman to woman instead of Dr to patient she said to me, ‘You can’t let the fear of something keep you from what you want.”

I sat with her words running through my head for days. I talked with my spiritual director about it too. And after expressing more fears and more tears with my husband, the fear went away. Somehow, by giving a voice to the scary things I only wanted to keep hidden, the scary things went away. Almost like walking into the room when a little kid is doing something naughty – they see that you see them and they stop. The naughty little scary thoughts gave up as soon as I was willing to shed light on them.

This was three months ago. Today, I am thrilled to announce that I am 12 weeks pregnant!

Is there something in your life you are afraid of? Are you holding back out of fear? Is there a relationship you could mend, but are afraid of making that first call? Is there a goal you want to achieve, but the path toward it requires discipline and commitment? Are there parts of you you are avoiding because you’re afraid of what you will see? If you can relate to any of these questions, or simply fear in general, I’m here to tell you that if you give it a voice, if you share it, and if you decide you want it more than you are afraid of it – it will be so.