Last month I had a miscarriage. We had been trying for months. The extra line on the pregnancy test meant success, goal achieved. We began dreaming of our family of four. We picked out names. We did research into his/her zodiac sign…Then, the miscarriage. Devastation. Failure.
Over the course of the next few weeks my emotions were all over the place. Initially, just sad. Unbelievably sad. Then, angry. Then, beating myself up. I’m a healthy person. Things like this don’t’ happen to healthy people. I’m a yogi for fucks sake. Who ever heard of a miscarrying yogi? In fact, I began to get angry at my yoga practice and lifestyle. Why wasn’t it helping me through this situation? I wasn’t prepared for this grief. What the F was going on?????
Then, I practiced to a yogaglo session with Elena Brower. It was a 30min practice and she started the practice with these words, “You are forming a relationship with your body…” I immediately broke into tears. Later that day, I met with my Spiritual Director, Esther, and as I shared the events of the past week she stopped me to say, ‘You must be tender with yourself.” I began to see the pattern.
I am not tender with myself. My relationship to me has always been hard. I want to do well to prove I am good enough. If I don’t do well, then I am not good enough, and I am the first to beat myself up. I am my own worst critic. I was taking this defeatist form of self-criticism to a new extreme due to my miscarriage. I was so mad at myself for what had happened. I was going to make myself pay.
But instead of making myself pay, I began making myself pay attention. Through Esther’s guidance and Elena’s yoga class, I really began to focus on my relationship with me. As I take more steps along the path of grieving I’m learning to forgive, accept and heal. My heart, my body, and my soul. My miscarriage was a blessing, a wake up call, a catalyst for much needed change around my internal dialogue.
True yoga, true unity, is creating the best relationship to oneself as possible. In losing one life I now love mine so much more. Thank you tiny soul.
To my family and the friends who are more like family, who cried with me, cared for me, shared with me – I love you. You know who you are.