I’ll spare you with the excuses regarding my long hiatus. Instead, I will share with you what I have been thinking about for the last two months(ish). Dying young.
Here’s the background: When I was in elementary school I played with a Ouija board. It told me I would die in a car accident at age 40. At that time, I thought 40 was old. Now, I’m only 9 years away from 40 and I realize I still haven’t grown up. The Ouija board also told me I would marry someone named Zach…that didn’t happen. So it’s credibility has shrunk. However, I am often fixated on this dying young thing. I get incredibly sad when I think of my son being only 12 years old if …well…you know. Most of me thinks the Ouija board is bullshit, but I am not without my insecurities so this ‘fate’ lurks around those dark corners.
When these early death thoughts pop into my head they usually go one of the following ways:
A. “Crap, I only have 9 good years left! What am I going to do? Oh, man. Now I’m sad. Why did I play with that Ouija board? Fu&%ing thing! That was so dumb. Speaking of dumb, remember that time you…..”
B. “If I die when I’m 40, what will I have to show for it? What have I been doing the last 31 years? In fact, what the hell am I doing right now? What’s my purpose? What’s my passion? Do I even know what makes me happy”
C. “I need a drink.”
A&B are what I like to call, “Black Hole Thoughts’ (C speaks for itself). The kind of thoughts that suck you, spin you around, and leave you thinking there is no way out. Ultimately, leading to more and more suffering. Lately, this suffering has centered around needing to figure out what my passion/purpose is so I can live a fulfilled existence for my remaining years. Then, last week I got a note from the universe. (You can get them too. Sign up here)
The note read; “You’re here this time simply for the love of the game. Just to smell the dirt. To lend a hand. Give comfort.” It went on to say, “you’re way past having to prove anything.” Later, the same day, I read this quote from writer/painter, Henry Miller; “The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.”
Hmmmm, could I really be here just to notice things? Could my purpose simply be to pay attention? If this is true all the striving, proving, and busying myself is a huge frickin’ waste of the time I have left. Golly, and what if the Ouija board is wrong? What if I go much sooner than 40? Tomorrow? Damn!! My final days are going to be waaaay better if I just chill the frick out! So, I’m taking the hint. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, Mr Henry Miller. I will smell the dirt. I will pay attention. I will be amazed by this magnificent world. And if all goes well, I will die doing it. With a smile on my face and dirt under my fingernails.
Oh, and just so it isn’t another two months before we meet again, I will share these ‘paying attentions’ with you. But it will have to wait until tomorrow. Right now, I need a drink.